Open Lungs and Open Waters

I came down with a case of bronchitis a couple of weeks ago, and although I’ve felt better since the fever broke over a week ago, only now can I feel the last bits of congestion leaving my lungs. I feel like the world is opening back up again. My body and my focus are shifting from the tightness in my chest to what’s going on around me. Our summer has been so fun and filled with friends, camping, canoeing, and house projects that I haven’t had as much time as I might like to reflect on it all. I love the feeling of finally doing so many of the things Mr. A and I have talked about for so long. But the constant stream of activity has left us a little winded. Thankfully, the last couple of weekends have given us back that breath.

As my chest begins to open up I’m finding that my head is in a similar state. When the to-do list is long and there’s a lot of work to be done I tend to dig in. My shoulders rise as my muscles get ready for good, hard work, and I become focused only on the task at hand, to the exclusion of all else. But while the sweat and muscle strain feel good and seeing the results of my labor are nice, it means that I lose sight of what it means to open myself to the world.

The seasons are changing and it seems all my friends are saying farewell to summer (and getting sick). I am seeing the changes too.  The evenings are cooler and I can see the sunset kiss the trees before bedtime. The circle of activities is moving gradually inward. We do have one or two more fall camping trips planned before the weather begins to firmly dictate when we can get outside. I’m excited. I love fall. I love the close camaraderie and warmth that comes during the fall harvest as the leaves change. It means hot cider, crisp apples, big juicy tomatoes, crisp mornings, reds and yellows punctuating the green on hikes, and crunching leaves underfoot. These images, like here, fill my head and there is no other joy like it.  The Towhead has been my other source of joy with the spontaneous things she says and does.  She will often run outside in the morning as I am putting things in the car and throw her arms wide to the sun, exclaiming in her own improvised song, “I love the sun! I love the hot! I love the cold! I love the world and my (stuffed) kitty!” When I look around at moments like these all I can think is that this is where my center is, and I wonder what could ever be important enough to pull my focus away from this.

I’m not sure if it’s the rebellious part of my nature or the seasons that has me thinking about expanding my energy into the world when all else seems to be moving gradually inward. Or maybe it’s just the part of me that’s always in search of balance. My other theory is that it has to do with settling deeper into the life of a working mom, which I love and hate at the same time. I think the part that has begun to bother me most is the feeling of being sucked inexorably into the vortex of commercialism and expectations of the mainstream working family. Mr. A and I have agreed for a long time that we want a healthy and active lifestyle that includes:

• experiencing the outdoors and appreciating nature
• creativity and laughter
• being mindful and aware of the world and the interconnectedness of all things
• friends and family
• a wide variety of art and music
• toys that encourage mental and emotional growth, not greed and materialism

The pitfalls come when there is less time to carefully cultivate all the things that go into this mix and the temptation to just default to the “norm.” The norm is so pre-packaged, TV, and brand-name based that it drives me crazy. As grad students and then as a single-income family we avoided a lot of those things because of money. Now we avoid them by choice. But I’m realizing, especially with the Towhead in school and me working, how hard it is not to slide toward mainstream trends like cartoons in the afternoon and flashy treats for lunch. It’s strange for me when I talk to other working parents and I hear how much they talk about the newest Disney TV show, computer games, or dance classes. The first two are not really on our radar, and the last one we are just beginning to consider. I’m sailing into unknown waters. Is this what is supposed to be next on the charts? What things do I want to sail toward and what do I want to steer clear of? We’ve been in the lagoon where books, bike rides to the park, and homemade toys surround us.  New waters are coming but there seems to be a lack of variety when it comes to maps because there’s really only one corporate publisher. I know there are more paths, and that many trailblazers have come before me.  I just need to find their stories.

Maybe it’s the holidays that have me thinking about how to avoid cheap, flashy, Made-in-China, TV-character emblazoned toys. Maybe it’s the birthday party at Chuck E Cheese where the girl got 3 Barbie dolls. Or maybe it’s the normal questioning of what comes next in Towhead’s growth and development. I don’t want to fall into the trap of just defaulting to certain set of activities for no other reason than that everyone else is doing it. I seem to be filled with ever-changing thoughts and doubts lately. The sun is in my eyes and the way forward is not clear right now.

*Just when I begin to feel the most lost I seem to stumble upon what I need. This article turned out to be it: Lisa Bennett’s “Nurturing Creators, Not Collectors” in Mothering magazine. So often it seems like we compare ourselves to the images we see around us instead of the real people and voices in our own lives. I’m learning (and re-learning) to turn down the volume of pop culture and in the silence that follows, hear the beating of my own heart and the rhythm of life.

New additions to the color wheel

I have so many things to write about and update people on. I keep bookmarking things in my head, or composing blog entries as I get ready for bed. The schedule at work has kept me running for two weeks now with no time to fit in much of anything besides sleeping, eating, and the occasional instance where we put on a movie and pile the entire family and dog on the couch for some much-needed cuddles, relaxation, and long sighful breaths at the end of the day.

The tidalwave will abate . . . just in time for our over-scheduled family vacation. In spite of all this, I am happy – busy, tired, excited, with a very long to-do list – but still happy. In times like this it seems that after a period of stress and short tempers, Mr. A and I take notice of it all and even though the stress may not have diminished, we make an extra effort to laugh, hug, talk, and care for each other in a way that makes the chaos more manageable. Mr. A is unparalleled at making me not take life or myself too seriously (at least when he’s not super stressed himself).

This weekend a heavy thunderstorm left us in a humid and cool house with no chance at working on the yard. So the Towhead and I worked on an art project I’ve been wanting to try for awhile. (I’ll take pictures once it’s done.)We also added two new descriptors to the artists color wheel: purply and pinkable. Towhead was in fine form. I have to get a tape recorder in addition to a camera – her stories and quoteable quotes these days are hilarious.

A bright day in a different world

She sits in front of a computer screen, staring at graphs and models that represent computer software functionality. It feels like a different world.

 It is a different world.

 The schedule she used to keep was organic and her day developed based on the needs of the moment. Life was creative, active, and responsive. If her girl needed to be held so she could sleep, an hour might pass with little to no concern over meeting a certain timeline. She would get to the next task at hand, say doing the dishes or going to the library, when they were done with this one. It seemed like her brain was always working on new ways to meet three kinds of needs: intellectual stimulation (both for her and for the kid), physical activity (which made everyone less cranky), and the basic cooking, cleaning, and organizational tasks that made life run smoothly and kept everyone sane. That was her job in a nutshell: maintain everyone’s sanity. But there was so much room for goofiness, and observing things people tend to take for granted. The world was a fascinating place and it was her job to show the wee girl how wonderful it could be.

 Fast forward to the office setting. Large dirty windows, bagels and coffee in the breakroom, and the sound of computer mice scratching the desks. In this new world there were firm timelines, schedules. There was more intellectual stimulation, which was good. This job provided new challenges, a new focus, and a sense of purpose. She enjoyed it. And she began to remember what life was like before the birth of her sweet gal. It was like meeting herself all over again, and there was a continual sense of déjà vu. In many ways it felt like waking up from a long pause. But as the days passed she realized that she missed in little inanities: dancing in the living room, cleaning playdough off the floor, making binoculars out of toilet paper tubes, walking to the park. She missed making up stories about princesses and monsters who, according to the kid, seemed to hide in steeples and office buildings around town.

 But unlike most stories or character portraits there was no resolution to this scenario, no epiphanic moment, no ironic twist. This was just people, be they adult or child, evolving as individuals and moving on to different things. On grey days when everything was an argument and exhaustion was the norm, this new turn of events felt like a road stretching across the flatlands, leading toward nothing but more of the same. But on a bright day that included giggles at the breakfast table, it was a new adventure that pushed them try new things – a way to avoid settling into a mediocre routine. It was change that made them continually look for ways to make life more fun, change that kept them from taking things for granted.

Working Girl

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, so I suppose I have some updating to do before I begin to wax poetic about life and current events. I am now working full time for a software company (the change in life path and career choice are material for a whole other blog entry), Crazy Towhead is in preschool full-time, and our day-to-day has a totally different flavor than it used to. The funny thing is that it hasn’t thrown our lives into total upheaval (yet). The laundry and the dishes are lagging a bit, but how we operate, how we communicate, and the general way we all behave toward each other hasn’t really changed much. It helped that we had three weeks between when I accepted the position and my actual start date so the transition was fairly gradual. And although it’s definitely a change, this feels like a change we were ready for.

Now, everyone tells me that the minute I say this something will explode and it will all go down the shitter. I know this. But I am currently pretending to be Egyptian and living in Denial, so leave me alone and let me enjoy my moment in the all-is-good-and-I-am-in-control-of-my-life sun. I like the sun.

That’s it really. The job is good so far, mostly because I haven’t had to do much yet. It’s hard to know how I’ll like it when all my job consists of so far is reading and observing operations. There will be updates as often as I can manage them, photos when I get around to downloading them, and recipes once in a blue moon. Creative works and research projects have been cancelled until further notice (not that they were making much progress anyway). :)