I’m feeling pensive and a little off balance today. Although I’m sure it’s just a symptom of moving, and events of the past couple weeks, lately I spend a lot of time feeling like a palindrome perched atop a piano. Predictable and rhythmic mood swings take me from tranquility to irritation, joy to despair, and back all in a few hours time. It doesn’t help that Towhead has similar mood swings on a regular basis. However, she’s two; I am not. But it’s always been hard for me not to be overly empathetic and influenced by the feelings of those around me, and in times of stress it becomes particularly difficult.
My study of Aikido and Hapkido has taken a serious internal bent the past couple years as the free time for physical training has decreased. And in the past few months, as certain stresses have intensified I’m beginning to more fully understand certain teachings. In Hapkido and Aikido the goal is to continually master the self: physically, mentally, and spiritually. Or as Morihei Ueshiba’s Art of Peace says, “Life is always a trial. In training, you must test and polish yourself in order to face the great challenges of life.” The lessons I keep focusing on are lessons I have been trying to improve upon for years: listening, observing, confidence (meeting the energy of people and situations instead of shrinking away), humility, and letting go. And these become harder to practice and maintain when I feel full to bursting with emotion and stress.
It’s funny, stress always makes me think of the time I spent in Italy. Not because it was a stressful trip, but because while there I learned a factoid that has stuck with me. Supposedly, there is no word for in Italian for stress – they’ve co-opted the English term, “lo stress” they call it. The closest word/phrase for it means “the wearing out.” I’ve always thought that term so accurate a description. It’s hard to maintain your vitality when you continually feel worn down and eroded like river rock. It makes for a smooth surface, which everybody likes, but I wonder if you don’t give up too much in the process? I know smooth, finished stone is more highly valued in our society, but I can’t help but contemplate what is missing, and the fundamental difference that exists between polishing and erosion. The time it takes for each to happen and who, if anyone, is responsible for which pieces get worn away determines whether what happens is an improvement of the original stone, or merely the wear and tear of external stresses on the rock. Then again, perhaps we are more like larger rock formations than individual stones, with the influences being more varied and occurring on a time scale larger than our limited imaginations can really understand.
(I have to wonder if it’s thoughts like this that made me take so many geology classes, or if the classes I took shaped my thinking and vocabulary in this direction. Martial arts meets geology meets spirituality? It’s not a leap that hasn’t been taken before I suppose.)
I keep trying to find balance. Balance between accomplishing what needs to be taken care of, yet not becoming frantic about getting it all done tomorrow. Balance between my own needs and the needs of those around me. Concentrating on allowing my emotions to happen without letting myself be overwhelmed by them. Balancing my mind and my body so that each has a goal, and space to exercise its potential. As with any exercise in self-control, sometimes I’m more successful at it than others.
