October 31, 2011 Spokane, WA
All Hallow’s Eve in Washington this year was a gruesome sight. Families with babies got together to watch their older children play before consuming vast amounts of beer, chili, cornbread, and what appeared to be human fingers. The house was filled with screaming and chaos, but the cause did not appear to be the digits on display. Crowds congregated in the kitchen and living room eating the fingers that protruded from their chili bowls without a second glance. A shocking sight indeed! There was much nibbling on baby fingers and toes as well. The assumption is that the parents are attempting to tenderize them for future feasts.
Following this most shocking of spreads was a foray into the neighborhood where everyone crowded the streets begging for food. This oxymoronic behavior, potentially explained by the gruesome dinner fare, seemed to be inspired primarily by the parents. The shrill laughter that came from the children must have been inspired by madness, as was their attire. The specific group observed consisted of a cackling witch on her broom, a robot with blinking lights who had trouble going down stairs, a cowboy vampire, a bat-like superhero, and another superhero-like figure who insisted on being carried. Another small child seemed to come to his senses and shed his dragon costume in favor of a blanket-covered stroller. As the evening wore on and the cold winds rose from nearby river, it became obvious that the parents were significantly more motivated than their young counterparts. The parents finally gave up when all the children crawled in the strollers and appeared to boycott all begging activities. Sanity seemed to prevail at the end of the night as the children gathered in a bedroom around an ambient heater while the adults drank wine and ate a finger-free apple crisp.
Editorial note: This reporter has been conditionally placed on suspension as she followed the previous story without taking any photos or even bringing a camera. If you would like us to refrain from firing her please send donations to rememberthedamncamera@stupidmom.org
